Books I've Read in 2010

Brisingr by Christopher Paolini. 748 pages.
A Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux. 464 pages.
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. 244 pages.
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. 230 pages.
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. 360 pages.
Friend Me by Cathy Hopkins. 497 pages.
The Vampire Diaries: The Awakening and The Struggle by L.J. Smith. 492 pages.
The Vampire Diaries: The Fury and Dark Reunion by L.J. Smith. 520 pages.

Nightlight: A Parody by The Harvard Lampoon. 154 pages.

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. 173 pages.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. 414 pages.
Spirit Bound by Richelle Mead. 489 pages.

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. 218 pages.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smithe. 317 pages.
City of Bones by Cassandra Clare. 485 pages.
City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare. 453 pages.
City of Glass by Cassandra Clare. 541 pages.
Last Sacrifice by Richelle Mead. 594 pages.

Total: 7348 pages.

So, let me start at the beginning. Two of my roomies are models. They love looking at pictures of other models and interesting photography. My other roomie is a cowgirl who knows how to weld...well, at least she does now. She was taking a welding class and made a helicopter bike. Basically, she took a bike, and welded metal onto it to make it look like a helicopter. I think it is the coolest thing ever, and asked her if I could ride it. So, now that it's near the end of school and she was done working on it, she brought it to our dorm. It is awesome! As I examined it, I said I wanted to take a picture on it. Nicole, one of the models, freaked out. My one picture turned into a high-fashion photo shoot idea with me in crazy makeup and a tight black outfit that reminded me of Grease. I for one, was slightly uncomfortable doing a photo-shoot with two beautiful models doing my makeup and telling me how to pose, but Jamian, the owner of the awesome heli-bike, also came along. We drove, and walked, to Scary Diary, this creepy abandoned farm that has been taken over by gangs and has broken glass and graffiti everywhere. And then I had to model.

There I was, becoming a character, focusing on not being myself, and then I laughed. Now, this may seem normal if you know me now, but I used to be able to lose myself in a character. When I was in high school I did four years of drama. I was also extremely depressed. Drama allowed me to not be myself, to be consumed in a life that was not my own. And I loved it. I let it engulf me. Once I did a competition, we called it Hagu, where I had to keep a straight face against this guy in class while everyone around us tried to make us laugh. I could channel my sadness and keep myself from smiling, I didn't even want to smile. The fact that I could let myself be someone else was because I didn't want to be myself.

Now, however, I can't keep a straight face. I kept laughing during my photo-shoot, because I couldn't help but be myself. I didn't want to get lost in a character, I just wanted to have fun. In this new situation, I had enough confidence to laugh at myself but have a good time. And it was really fun! Kinda ridiculous....but fun! Because I was being me, a crazy, alien looking me, but still me! I don't really know why I found this to be extremely important...I guess I see it as a newfound side of myself, a confident and self-assured side that I didn't have a few years ago.

Sing it from the heart, Sing it 'til you're nuts, Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts

1) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Personally, I feel it was the best Harry Potter movie yet. A few parts I liked was the epic shots of the landscape, very Lord of the Rings. It gave it a good feel, like a crazy awesome adventure, which it was. Another part was the great special effects, I always feel as if bad special effects make a movie less....real, intimate. Like you cannot lose yourself in the movie. This film was done very well, where the magic seemed real. My favorite part was one of the first scenes when they are all Harry Potter look-a-likes and they fly into the clouds and BAM! Chaos! Death Eaters everywhere! So well done! A few parts were eh (did they really need to have Hermione and Harry kissing NAKED?) but for the most part, great film.

2) Thanksgiving! This Thursday! I'm so excited. I haven't seen my parents since my first week here, and I get to spend the weekend with them, my mom is even coming for a few days to hang with me at school. My whole family will be together, even my brother, I'm giddy just thinking about it.

3) The rain. It has come! Not my favorite rain, I prefer a down pour (make-out rain) rather than this drizzle crap, but it still counts I suppose. I just want to curl up in a blanket and drink cocoa, and I'd better do that soon since this is SoCal and the rain will not last long.

4) My Chemical Romance. New c.d. is out in 2 days! I don't know if I'll get it that day, but soon. Just a few minutes ago I watched the 'Sing' music video for the first time, and although it is not 'typical My Chem' I still liked it. They are good, so even if they are not sticking to their normal musical style, I will still support them and have an open mind.

5) School.......yeah......don't have a lot to say about that....uhhh.... I get to sign up for my classes soonish. I'm pretty sure I have my schedule figured out, so it should be good.....yep....

6) Christmas! Yeah, I know, Thanksgiving isn't over yet, I shouldn't be talking about Christmas! Ba Humbug! I already have Christmas decorations in my dorm, and I have Christmas music on my ipod. I'm excited, a break from school, hanging out with all my friends from home, family time, actual rain! Eggnog! Stocking and a tree and a fireplace!! LOVE IT!

That's all I've got.

Won't You Dance With Me oh Lover Of My Soul, To The Song Of All Songs

(This is an essay I wrote for my History and Systems of Psychology class. My teacher asked us to think, really think, about what we believe and what we think about our soul. He told us to go to the ocean and just sit there, pontificating, and come to our own epiphany of what living a good life really means. So...this is what I got.)

Deep inside every human being on earth there lives a soul, an invisible, intangible representation of our being. Within our souls we can hold the spirit, and in my belief, the Holy Spirit, the embodiment of God within us. This must be a conscience decision though, He must be invited in. There is a God, and He loves us and cares for us, but when He created mankind, He bestowed upon us free will. In this way, we are not slaves forced to live for Him, instead we can worship Him and love Him freely and completely. Our lives are determined by this choice, whether we live with Him or without Him.

Even if a person does not believe in God, He is still there. He is everywhere, within everything, is joyful when we succeed and is mournful when we fall. My belief is that God sent His son Jesus to die for mankind’s sins, and that the only way to get to Heaven is through Jesus. When I invited God into my life, I was also inviting his son, the human form of Himself, and acknowledged Him in my life. From that moment, everything in my life changed.

I was born and raised in the church, but never grasped any of the significance of God or Jesus or my soul until I was fourteen. During that time I was dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts, and came to realize that my life felt empty. There was no purpose to living as far as I could see. That is when a man came to speak at my church, and his words on God and His love sunk deep into my mind and I turned to the Lord. Now, a lot of people expect everything to be fine after this moment, but it was not. I still struggled with depression, but I had found my purpose and meaning in life, and could work past all the darkness.

From that moment on, I was never the same. My entire perspective on life began to change, from relationships to my family and everything in between. Since that moment, I have been growing and striving in my faith, not because I believe that being a better person will get me in to Heaven, I don’t believe that at all, but because I want to please my father God. There have been times when I have seen healings and miracles, unexplained events that blow my mind, and simply back-up my beliefs that God is real and more powerful and knowing than we could ever conceive.

It was interesting that we were asked to go to the ocean for this assignment, because the ocean is a significant representation of God to me. There are different ways that God speaks to people, that He reveals Himself to us, and for me that is the ocean. Looking at the ocean on a clear sunny day, it is a beautiful stretch of bluish-green, with glorious waves crashing into the shoreline. It goes on for what seems like forever, past what our eyes can see, into the horizon. It is a depiction of God’s splendor and loveliness. However, the ocean is also dangerous and fierce, something to be respected and not tested. The ocean is a mirror of how mysterious and powerful God is.

Nature shows us how creative and lovely God is, and I have a hard time understanding how someone could see all the wonders of the earth and the universe and not believe that there is more out there. That all of life is some cosmic coincidence. How can people see mountains and rivers, trees and creatures, and not see God? There is so much beauty and splendor in the world, and yes, I know there is also pain and suffering, but there must be a purpose, a reason for the existence of everything.

God, in all His power and glory, has chosen to love us as His children, and will live inside of us if we let Him. This fact, that God is always with me, is what comforts me in hard times. It gives me strength when I feel like giving up. This is my definition of a good life, living for God, and loving others the way God loves all of us. There may not be any scientific proof, but that is why it is called ‘faith’. We, as Christians, believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, willingly, without scientific evidence, and that makes our love and passion pure, because we are doing so through faith and with trust. Our belief is that when we die, our souls go to heaven and live for eternity, but that we should make the best of our time on earth, living for God and sharing his love with the world.

I'd Scream This Song Right In Your Face If You Were Here

Brilliant. Let's combine music and film, two of the most powerful things in my life. Gotta love it. However, there are some music videos that are better than others. Sure, I can watch Chris Martin walk backwards for over three minutes, and I guess because the song is decent I will be pleased, but then there are music videos that make the song deeper. That take you to a new level. I will explain my fascinations with each of these.
My favorites:
Anthem of Our Dying Day by Story of the Year. I have to put this one on here because it was my first music video. I'm sure that I saw a music video before this one, but I remember where I was when I saw this. I remember how I felt. I had never heard the song before, but it hit me. It was dark and emotional. The music video showed all these youth coming together in this building and falling together, and that for some reason resonated with me. Not to mention I had never seen anyone play instruments that intensely (guitars at least, I had seen Travis Barker rock the drum set). My brother told me that a person's first music video defines who we are. It's a ridiculous theory, but that music video did hold a lot of significance in my life for a long time.
Only One by Yellowcard. I still think Yellowcard is amazing. This music video hit that hippie, 60's, rebel against authority side of me. Plus, it's romantic. There's this one part when the protesters put flowers in the guns, and it was the first time I had seen that. Then the smoke floods in and chaos breaks loose. The music slows down and then Ryan Key loses his girlfriend in the crowd, then as the music quickens again they reunite. Then in the midst of all the craziness he starts to dance with her, and in the end they stand together in front of a tank. Freaking great!

Knights of Cydonia by Muse. IT'S EPIC!!! Need I say more?

Tonight, Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins. I had a phase when I loved the Smashing Pumpkins. When I saw this music video for the first time, I simply thought it was strange. Good, but strange. Then I saw "A Trip to the Moon", one of the first films ever made, and coincidentally the film in which the music video was based off of. Obviously there are differences, the Smashing Pumpkins video has a couple going to the moon instead of a group of elderly scientists (which is a change I am completely okay with), but it has the same level of special effects as the original. It is a different sounding band, so it is suitable for them to make a unique kind of video.

My Chemical Romance. Okay, I know this is cheating, but I can't just pick one. Or even two. Here, I will list the ones I like.

Helena. First of all, I love the song. The song is about a death, so it's extremely fitting that they would have the video be of a funeral. I love how the dancers come out in black while people in the audience are crying and Gerard is doing the eulogy. My favorite part though is when it slows down and everyone is praying. The girl in the casket wakes up and ballets down the isle (in a dress I totally want!) before falling back down. Then there's the final scene with the band marching the casket into a hearse with the dancers outside with umbrellas. It's very dark and dramatic and emotional and poetic. Overall, just very moving.

I'm Not Okay. It's high school. Everyone feels this awkwardness and this feeling of not belonging and My Chem portrays this in a humorous but truthful way in this video. Plus, it's set up like a movie trailer, where it leaves you wanting more.

The Ghost of You. One, I love World War II. That sounds bad, but it fascinates me. The story is set up in a "Saving Private Ryan" storming the beaches of Normandy kind of way. My favorite part though is when all the people are dancing and then soldiers and water run across the floor and the scene changes to the war. Absolutely beautiful transition, I watched it over and over again the first time I saw it. Then in the last part Mikey runs out and you can see Gerard screaming his name as he gets shot and dies. As the music fades the camera zooms into Gerard's eye and all that's left is the sound of gunfire. I admit I almost cry every time, it's that powerful.

I Don't Love You. As if the song wasn't depressing enough, let's make a video about the struggles of love and heartbreak. All in black in white. They did, and it is amazing. I love the contrast of the purity and the dirtiness, and the emotions are so obviously expressed, by the actors and by Gerard. It's a very artist portrayal of the pain the song already expresses.

Here It Goes Again by Ok Go. Can you do that on a treadmill? I don't think so. I can watch that music video again and again and still be entertained and fascinated.

Just by Radiohead. WHAT DOES HE SAY?? Sorry. It's the question we all have. I find this video very interesting because it has dialog. This man is laying on the street, and everyone wants to know why. He won't get up, he doesn't want to be touched, and he won't tell anyone why he is laying there. Finally the crowd gets frustrated and one man yells at him to tell him why. So he does. It doesn't tell us what he says, but the next shot is of everyone else laying on the ground. I don't know if it's the psychologist in me, but I find this video very intriguing.

Chasing Pavements by Adele. INCREDIBLE! It begins with a car accident and a couple is laying on the pavement. As the song progresses they dance, while laying on the pavement, through a recap of their relationship up to this point. Freaking fantastic vision and, I don't know how they did that dancing on the ground, but it was done beautifully.

Crossfire by Brandon Flowers. Brandon looks sad. Que Charlize Theron. Kill some ninjas. Brandon smiles. Done! Here is where I make a shout out to Chelsey!

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me by Fall Out Boy.Not really one of my favorite bands, but the music video is like a movie. About vampires. Before Vampires were even 'cool'. This music video makes it on the list because the end kicks ass. Fall Out Boy vampire slayers vs. The Academy Is... vampires. And The Academy Is... wins! Add in some pretty awesome vampire dance scenes. Yeah, it's pretty wicked!

The Way She Feels by Between the Trees. I can't really watch this without crying. It is an exact representation of the song lyrics. It....uh....resonates with me. The best part, for me, is when the dad comes into the bathroom to find his daughter and helps her. It's just really great to see that kind of love and acceptance, especially with the song, and what it means.

I have more, but this is where I will end. For now.

(Add on...)

Here are a few more I would suggest to watch. I fill not go into detail yet though.

All That I've Got by The Used, Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades by Brand New, Paralyzer by Finger Eleven, 30 Seconds to Mars (all of their videos are incredible), Love Me Dead by Ludo, Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros, Symphonies by Dan Black, Make Damn Sure by Taking Back Sunday

Pacific Coast Highway

When people asked me about what I feared most about my move to school, I told them it was driving home from LAX. Today was that day. We were told to move in any time after 2, so obviously we showed up at 1 and beat the rush. My dad and I had all my boxes and crap in my dorm within 20 minutes, so we drove to Target to pick up some food and a new (giant!) t.v. Then we headed back to school, and more people had begun to show up, including one of my roommates Janna (super cool so far!). After introductions, I told her we were going to LAX and I wasn't sure what time I'd be back. The look on her face was the same as everyone else's when you mention going to LAX, pity and fear. NOT FUN! So my dad and I hopped in my Honda and drove to the airport, getting stuck in traffic a bit, but being able to view the traffic across from us, backed-up for miles.Cue adrenaline pumping. Then we got to LAX, with it's crazy drivers and confusing gates and the turns. Imagine Shoots and Ladders in killing machines. My dad keeps saying "You'll be fine. If I didn't think you could do it, I wouldn't let you. God is your co-pilot." To which I looked at him and said, "That does not prevent death."
There we are, at the airport departure area, my dad grabs his backpack, hugs me, and leaves me...alone...in Los Angeles. More adrenaline. I wait for my turn and pull out into the rush of cars. Then I try to follow the GPS...but what is this, I merge into one lane, but now I need to be on the opposite side for...oh, there goes my exit. Crap! There goes my nerves. Panic! Follow the GPS around, somehow (GOD!) am in the correct lane from there on out. I think I'm going to the 405, but wait. As I'm stuck in traffic, in only two lanes, I look over and BAM! There it is! Beautiful and shining right in my face! My reason for coming here! The OCEAN! Waves are crashing in, huge and frothy. There are surfers out in the distance, and people playing beach volley ball in the sand.
I realize, this was not the way I was supposed to go. However, my GPS tells me to drive, so that is what I do. Right along the coast. Every time the traffic stops, there it is, to my left. The Pacific Ocean. Then the fog rolls in. Not the kind of fog that you have to cut through with your car, but the kind that sits on trees and makes everything look mysterious and magical. I put on a c.d. Ashtyn made for me and just sat in awe. The waves crashed against the rocks. Children play in the sand. Surfers sit on the waves as the moved up and down. Then, even the traffic lets up. I feel so calm and at peace. Everything around me is glorious and breathtaking. I keep driving.
I drive up a hill, and the fog gets heavier. I cannot see more than a few hundred feet in front of me, but I am the only car on the road. I hook around corners, and then I see the moon. Or, at least, I think it is the moon. In the middle of the fog, shining through. Then, I realize it's the Sun. I'm looking directly at the sun. In the middle of this darkness, there it is. Then the hill starts going down, and the fog dissipates, and the sun shines through, onto a beach. I'm driving down the hill, starring at the waves roll in and out in rhythmic patterns. Then another hill comes, and as I come down, another beach! Glorious! I look over at the GPS and realize my turn is coming up, and I turn away from the ocean and go back to my new home, feeling so much joy and peace. What started out as the most horrifying experience in my mind turned into such a blessed and Holy time.

Oh, and there was a sign that spelled out COAST and said "Concentrate On A Safe Trip" which I found counterproductive because people are reading this sign while driving. Does not seem particularly safe to me.

Video Blog!

"Do not arouse or waken love until it so desires"

Songs of Songs. A beautiful, poetic book of the Bible depicting a man and a women in the throws of love. Their struggles. Their desire for one another. The way God wants us to love, the way He loves us.

Guess what I'm going to talk about?

So this evening (when I started writing this) Chels called me to let me know she read a post from He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, in which he wrote that he loved his new girlfriend. Now, I would have no problem with this, except they have only been going out 3 months. Yes, I know some people fall in love in much less time than that, but let me get to my point. In the 3 months I dated him, he also told me he "loved" me. Then, in the 3 months Chels dated him, he also proclaimed this "love". Now, we all know that neither of these afore mentioned relationships lasted, and in fact have resulted in a hell-storm of burned metal and flying swords and killer monkey-faced ravens....metaphorically speaking.

I could write this off, saying that You-Know-Who has shown signs of mental instability so obviously he is going to say things completely above his very small head...Nice Button! However, many people do this "I love you" I love you too" NO WAIT I LOVE THE NEXT GIRL/GUY! kind-of-thing.

This word Love in our society is so watered down, it barley means anything. In many languages there are multiple words for Love, to express the different forms of affection. Brotherly/Sisterly Love, Passionate Love, Intimate Love, Agape. But no, in the English language we just have LOVE. One word to rule them all.

So when I say "I love Chelsey" I mean like a sister, when I say "I love Casablanca" I mean something completely different. I mean that I really liked it, but instead of saying "I really enjoyed the story line", I skip to the easy way and just say Love. It's like a filler. I really like this so I'm going to use the word love. When did this happen? Who okay-ed this?!

I'm not particularly sure why this bothers me so much. It's just a word, right? It's our actions in life that truly show our love. Maybe I just wish that people would take love more seriously, because it's such a vital part of our lives and I hate for people to misuse the word, because that can cause so much pain and anger and sadness. It might just be a word, but it embodies so much emotion and depth, and Love can be such a beautiful thing if it isn't distorted.

Okay...I'm done... for now....

Fear is the lock and laughter the key to your heart.

"California State University Channel Islands has received your final official transcript and I am pleased to let you know that you have met all the provisions and are now fully admitted to the entering class of Fall 2010"

That is it. The final letter, letting me know that I have been accepted. I received it today in the mail, in it's thin envelope. Why can't they send me a big envelope? Seriously, the sign that you've been accepted to a college is a big envelope and I only received these thin as paper regular postal sized white envelopes! I want a giant manila folder delivered to my house! Via owl!

But I digress.

Since I've read those words, it's started dripping...slowly...into my mind that I am leaving. It hadn't hit me before, I was completely indifferent to the whole matter, I felt nothing towards it as if it didn't exist. Now it's pricking at my mind. It could be worse I suppose, it could hit me like a bullet train. Things keep popping into my mind.

Happy things like the fact that I will be by my friend Chelsea Easley as she gets ready for her wedding, and closer to Andrew Jackson and near Hope (and Magic Mountain). When I get bored, I can drive to the ocean. THE OCEAN! It will be so close and I can go sit on the beach and listen to the waves rolling and smell the salt. And my school is amazing, I'm so excited to go there and meet new people.

Then the sad things. The friends I'm leaving behind, my parents, the Stirring, the kids from my Sunday School class, my co-workers...well, some of them. And I'm leaving Chelsey behind for a month, but I'll be closer to her than I would be in Redding, so I guess she's halfway between the sad column and the happy one.

I'll be thinking about something and then it'll flicker in my mind. I'm leaving.

For the first time.

It's exciting!

And scary!

And soon!!

I don't feel anything right now, I'm just recalling what I've felt in the past few hours. I'm sure it will pop into my head tonight, and tomorrow, and until I leave.

Because I'm leaving...

I'm leaving...

Crazy!!

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

I feel stuck. That’s bad. But I start thinking about it, and say to myself ‘There are over 190 countries in the world, and I’ve been to, what? 6…7 of them?’ 7…out of 190 odd places to visit. I’ve always wanted to go to Egypt, ever since I was a little girl, but I’ve never been there. And Peru! I dream of going to Machu Picchu! And the Coliseum! And the Parthenon! And the Taj Mahal! What about the Great Wall of China? What about Big Ben in England? Eating pizza in Italy? Drinking beer in Germany?

Why I am telling you this, I’m not sure. It’s just how I feel right now. I feel bored. I feel unadventurous. I’m going away to college, but it’s not even out of state. Sure there will be new experiences, but it won’t take long before I get into a routine, and feel…this. This gnawing ache inside me that wants to run out of my house right now, jump on a plane and wake up in a new country, where people don’t speak English, and everything is new! And just keep going. Walking from country to country. Explore the Amazon! Rafting! Skydiving! Rock climbing! Surfing! Running! Danger! Excitement! LIFE! New people! New places! New food! New sights!

Did you know that below the equator there are different constellations? The Southern Cross for example. I haven’t seen it in 5 summers. Below the equator it’s summer in our winter. I could skip back and forth and never have to deal with winter again!

I could see things few people have seen. Who has actually gone to Easter Island? I want to be one of them! I bet there are so many things out in the world, just waiting to be discovered, but people are getting stuck. Behind books, and computers, and television, and the idea of a comfortable life. Comfortable? I don’t want to go to a job I don’t enjoy every day just so I can have money. I don’t want to settle down and give up all these dreams of travelling the world. There is so much OUT THERE!

I feel so stuck.

And I hate it.

Top Fifteen

Most Played Songs on My Itunes:
1. Did It Hurt? by NeverShoutNever
2. Falling Slowly (covered) by Kris Allen
3. 1234 by The Plain White T's
4. You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall and Oates
5. Trouble by NeverShoutNever
6. Happy by NeverShoutNever
7. The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script
8. The Pokemon Theme Song
9. I'd Lie by Taylor Swift
10. Wondering Where You Are by Tyrone Wells
11. Don't Stop Believing by Glee Cast
12. Lucky by Jason Mraz
13. True Love by Phil Wickham
14. Set Fire to the Third Bar by Snow Patrol
15. Under The Sea from The Little Mermaid

I know, I'm awesome!

I'm F.I.N.E.

Freaked Out

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

(That's from Italian Job by the way, I'm not that creative)

Being denied is the same as being rejected. There is an overwhelming sense of insecurity. It's like someone took a gun, aimed it at my self-esteem and hit it directly.

Not really. Yes, it sucks. Yes, all my plans for my future were based upon me getting accepted, but this is okay. God has amazing plans for my life, and if that's not where I'm supposed to be, okay. Or as Chelsey once put it "Who am I to argue with God?"

Now I am just in the place (or pit) of waiting to hear from the other colleges....any day now.... This waiting is as if someone hit the accelerator button on my stress. Before, I had been stressed because I was waiting any time this month. Now it's any time this week.

Just one school.

That's all I need.

Just one.

I pray that God has me going to one of them.

Because if he doesn't.

I may as well be sucked into a black hole...

On a much brighter note! Chelsey comes home tomorrow!! Yipee! I've missed her soooooo much and am so glad she'll be here through all this craziness. I need my best friend (and some Ben & Jerry's)

I'm standing closer to the edge than I should be allowed...

On Sunday we talked about how we get thrown into pits in life, and it's God's way of shaping us. That these pits are for our own good, and how we should use this pain to grow closer to God.
I'm in a season where I'm waiting and stressing and partially going out of my mind because my entire future is in three letters, and I have no idea when I will get them! It's this constant nagging in my mind that eats at me at all hours of the day. I want to make plans. I want to have some sort of direction. It feels like I'm on the edge of a cliff, and I can see the water, and I just want to jump, but I'm stuck. And not just stuck, but it's 120 degrees outside and I'm getting attacked by birds. All I want to do is jump off that damn cliff!
Not only that, but I'm alone. I feel so alone.
So, I'm supposed to find God in this? This is Him shaping me?
Well, I hope I find him soon, because this is not looking good for my mental health.

Im just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.

So, it's February. Which means next month is March. And March means I find out what colleges I got into. I am freaking out! Last night I could barley sleep because I kept thinking about everything. Whether I filled out my applications correctly. Whether I sent all my information in and they received it. Which colleges am I going to get in to? I applied to 3 to be safe, but what if I don't get into any? What if I get into all of them? Where am I going to live? Where am I going to work? How often will I get to see my parents?
The colleges I want to go to are so far away from here. I'm finally going to have to deal with adult things like rent and groceries. In one month I'll find out where I'm going to be for the next two years of my life. It's such a big deal and I have to wait an entire month to know anything! I just wish I knew so I could start making plans. My future right now is like a vast abyss of fog and I don't know what's going to hit me.
I wish it were March already!!

Why am I scared?

Okay. Good question. I've been thinking about it, and Yes I am scared of being in a relationship. However, No, I have no idea why. Well...actually that's a lie. Being me and over thinking everything, I have come up with quite a few ideas on why.
1. My last relationship ended badly and I don't want a repeat. Voldemort. Turned out to be gay. Well, not really... but he turned out to be a douche. A super douche. Even though things are getting better (term is loosely defined), it's still awkward. Just...not a good relationship.
2. I'm scared of being a bad girlfriend. Cheating (not that I actually cheat, but...emotionally I do). Getting him to fall for me and then yank the rug out from under the relationship leaving him with a concussion on a cold wooden floor while I walk away with an ugly shag carpet and no idea of how to dispose of it....or...you know...something else that is bad...
3. I'm scared of being dependent. So many times have I seen my friends get into relationships and lose a part of themselves. Then, when the relationship ends, they are left without friends or family or any sort of support system because they invested themselves fully into a relationship that wasn't meant to be. Scary!
4. I'm scared I'll get sidetracked on my future. I want a career. I want to travel. I want to live my life still, and I feel as if a relationship would tie me down. I could get stuck in Redding (God forbid). I could lose out on so many opportunities and be stuck living a life that I don't feel God has called me to live which would be miserable.
5. I could fall for the guy. Then I could get hurt. Seriously hurt if things ended badly. I don't know how well I could handle that. I mean, sure, I'm okay now, but it could be a full on relapse if something bad happened. I never want to go back to the way I used to be. It scares the crap out of me! And I feel that if I emotionally invest myself, I'm lowering the boundaries that protect my heart. It's just a lot of trust...

Basically. I'm scared of being in a relationship with someone I'm not supposed to be in a relationship with. I know God has a guy out there for me, and I know he's not going to be perfect, and I know that sometimes he will hurt me, because, let's face it, we're only human. And I'm far from perfect. And I will hurt him.
I just think I have to wait for God to send a guy into my life that won't leave when I push him away, and that will fight for me and my heart. He's going to have to, because I'm scared. For all those reasons and more.. I put my trust in God to bring that man to me. And I don't want to be blinded by someone else when the man of my dreams is standing before me. So, Yes, I'm scared, but it's because I don't want my own desires to block out God's. I know His plans for me are Bigger and Better than anything I could fathom, so if I'm supposed to be in relationship, then God will show me. If not, I just have to trust Him...even if it's really hard and painful and takes every ounce of my self control. It's for the best.
"God bless this broken road that led me straight to you.."

My Outlook for 2010

These are not resolutions, these are more...thing I want to get done this year. Like a 2010 Bucket List...here we go.
1. Go to college. (A real college, not Shasta) I applied, and now I have to wait and see.
2. Go to a spa. I have never been to a spa!! I've been to 4 out of the 7 continents and never been to a spa! Neither has my mom though...maybe we'll go together.
3. Make that '4 continents' into '5 continents'. Planning on going to India, and God willing those plans will fall through. If not...well, I'm just hoping that they do.
4. Don't get a boyfriend. Last year I made a resolution to get a boyfriend, and we all know how well that worked out, so this year, I'm doing the opposite!
5. Read over 20 books! Almost done with my second book, and it's only January, so I should probably make that number higher...naw.
6. Be more...wise with my money. Investments are better than instant gratification, and I need to remember that.
7. Relearn French! Oui, es un bon idea!
8. Be a better person. Better friend, daughter, sister, stranger.
9. Learn (and remember!) new songs on the piano.
10. Work on my relationship with God. Pray more, read my Bible. Look for ways to bring Him honor and glory.

That's pretty good, other than the obvious resolutions (eat better, exercise more, make more friends...which are the most difficult to stick to). Should be a good year!