So, let me start at the beginning. Two of my roomies are models. They love looking at pictures of other models and interesting photography. My other roomie is a cowgirl who knows how to weld...well, at least she does now. She was taking a welding class and made a helicopter bike. Basically, she took a bike, and welded metal onto it to make it look like a helicopter. I think it is the coolest thing ever, and asked her if I could ride it. So, now that it's near the end of school and she was done working on it, she brought it to our dorm. It is awesome! As I examined it, I said I wanted to take a picture on it. Nicole, one of the models, freaked out. My one picture turned into a high-fashion photo shoot idea with me in crazy makeup and a tight black outfit that reminded me of
Grease. I for one, was slightly uncomfortable doing a photo-shoot with two beautiful models doing my makeup and telling me how to pose, but Jamian, the owner of the awesome heli-bike, also came along. We drove, and walked, to Scary Diary, this creepy abandoned farm that has been taken over by gangs and has broken glass and graffiti everywhere. And then I had to model.
There I was, becoming a character, focusing on not being myself, and then I laughed. Now, this may seem normal if you know me now, but I used to be able to lose myself in a character. When I was in high school I did four years of drama. I was also extremely depressed. Drama allowed me to not be myself, to be consumed in a life that was not my own. And I loved it. I let it engulf me. Once I did a competition, we called it Hagu, where I had to keep a straight face against this guy in class while everyone around us tried to make us laugh. I could channel my sadness and keep myself from smiling, I didn't even want to smile. The fact that I could let myself be someone else was because I didn't want to be myself.
Now, however, I can't keep a straight face. I kept laughing during my photo-shoot, because I couldn't help but be myself. I didn't want to get lost in a character, I just wanted to have fun. In this new situation, I had enough confidence to laugh at myself but have a good time. And it was really fun! Kinda ridiculous....but fun! Because I was being me, a crazy, alien looking me, but still me! I don't really know why I found this to be extremely important...I guess I see it as a newfound side of myself, a confident and self-assured side that I didn't have a few years ago.
