Why am I scared?

Okay. Good question. I've been thinking about it, and Yes I am scared of being in a relationship. However, No, I have no idea why. Well...actually that's a lie. Being me and over thinking everything, I have come up with quite a few ideas on why.
1. My last relationship ended badly and I don't want a repeat. Voldemort. Turned out to be gay. Well, not really... but he turned out to be a douche. A super douche. Even though things are getting better (term is loosely defined), it's still awkward. Just...not a good relationship.
2. I'm scared of being a bad girlfriend. Cheating (not that I actually cheat, but...emotionally I do). Getting him to fall for me and then yank the rug out from under the relationship leaving him with a concussion on a cold wooden floor while I walk away with an ugly shag carpet and no idea of how to dispose of it....or...you know...something else that is bad...
3. I'm scared of being dependent. So many times have I seen my friends get into relationships and lose a part of themselves. Then, when the relationship ends, they are left without friends or family or any sort of support system because they invested themselves fully into a relationship that wasn't meant to be. Scary!
4. I'm scared I'll get sidetracked on my future. I want a career. I want to travel. I want to live my life still, and I feel as if a relationship would tie me down. I could get stuck in Redding (God forbid). I could lose out on so many opportunities and be stuck living a life that I don't feel God has called me to live which would be miserable.
5. I could fall for the guy. Then I could get hurt. Seriously hurt if things ended badly. I don't know how well I could handle that. I mean, sure, I'm okay now, but it could be a full on relapse if something bad happened. I never want to go back to the way I used to be. It scares the crap out of me! And I feel that if I emotionally invest myself, I'm lowering the boundaries that protect my heart. It's just a lot of trust...

Basically. I'm scared of being in a relationship with someone I'm not supposed to be in a relationship with. I know God has a guy out there for me, and I know he's not going to be perfect, and I know that sometimes he will hurt me, because, let's face it, we're only human. And I'm far from perfect. And I will hurt him.
I just think I have to wait for God to send a guy into my life that won't leave when I push him away, and that will fight for me and my heart. He's going to have to, because I'm scared. For all those reasons and more.. I put my trust in God to bring that man to me. And I don't want to be blinded by someone else when the man of my dreams is standing before me. So, Yes, I'm scared, but it's because I don't want my own desires to block out God's. I know His plans for me are Bigger and Better than anything I could fathom, so if I'm supposed to be in relationship, then God will show me. If not, I just have to trust Him...even if it's really hard and painful and takes every ounce of my self control. It's for the best.
"God bless this broken road that led me straight to you.."

My Outlook for 2010

These are not resolutions, these are more...thing I want to get done this year. Like a 2010 Bucket List...here we go.
1. Go to college. (A real college, not Shasta) I applied, and now I have to wait and see.
2. Go to a spa. I have never been to a spa!! I've been to 4 out of the 7 continents and never been to a spa! Neither has my mom though...maybe we'll go together.
3. Make that '4 continents' into '5 continents'. Planning on going to India, and God willing those plans will fall through. If not...well, I'm just hoping that they do.
4. Don't get a boyfriend. Last year I made a resolution to get a boyfriend, and we all know how well that worked out, so this year, I'm doing the opposite!
5. Read over 20 books! Almost done with my second book, and it's only January, so I should probably make that number higher...naw.
6. Be more...wise with my money. Investments are better than instant gratification, and I need to remember that.
7. Relearn French! Oui, es un bon idea!
8. Be a better person. Better friend, daughter, sister, stranger.
9. Learn (and remember!) new songs on the piano.
10. Work on my relationship with God. Pray more, read my Bible. Look for ways to bring Him honor and glory.

That's pretty good, other than the obvious resolutions (eat better, exercise more, make more friends...which are the most difficult to stick to). Should be a good year!